the killer inside me.

I just picked up this new movie that I'd never heard of before.  It happened to be a sundance film festival movie and featured Jessica Alba, Casey Affleck, and Kate Hudson.  The movie left me with a knot in my stomach and in need of a stiff drink, or at the very least a calming phone call with a friend.  It was just so incredibly intense and much harder to watch than most any movie I've seen. This movie is not for everyone, its one of Jim Thompson's darkest novels and explores the mind of a sociopath.  The violence is shocking, but it should be because i think the whole point is to make the viewer realize how pointless and wasteful it all is.  If it was glamorized we wouldn't get a clear view into to  understanding of the deranged the mind of a killer.  Its hard to watch but its so important to the story.  His victims are the people who love him the most..unconditionally.  And its when he his lovers that it really hits you...the way he has no regard for even those closest to him (he doesn't care to love or be loved...their commitment to him is meaningless)  It is sickeningly simple and sad.  And the most graphic moments are the moments when you get how fucked up it all is.

In all i have an unexpected appreciation for the movie.  For both the sociopathic unabashed violence, and the way Alba portrayed the role of Joyce.  Her character draws out and experiences the violent nature of her lover, which in turn allows her to embrace the dark roots within herself.  Her deep need for his love is so tragic and twisted yet theirs is an intimacy that develops through shared acceptance  for desires that most would find shameful and degrading.   For them it is a liberating discovery.  Even more intriguing is the moment Joyce unleashes with wild abandon her fierce sexuality while embracing a demure vulnerabiltiy.  She is finally able to exude a sexiness that ignites a stoic self confidence and desirable feminimity that every woman longs for.   Her true nature as a woman, as a lover is revealed and this man accepts every one of her deep desires. 

Her character is one that leaves me obsessed and reeling.  Her style and glamour is pure and striking.  Her presence and soul...though deepley depressing... is so hauntingly beautiful.  In a sense i completely understand Joyce...I've been there and i want to capture this role in my soul and let others be captivated by me in the same way i was captivated by this woman's raw broken beauty.

She is simply a woman desiring to love and be loved. desperate. longing. lost.     but hopeful.

kisses.