I just picked up this new movie that I'd never heard of before. It happened to be a sundance film festival movie and featured Jessica Alba, Casey Affleck, and Kate Hudson. The movie left me with a knot in my stomach and in need of a stiff drink, or at the very least a calming phone call with a friend. It was just so incredibly intense and much harder to watch than most any movie I've seen. This movie is not for everyone, its one of Jim Thompson's darkest novels and explores the mind of a sociopath. The violence is shocking, but it should be because i think the whole point is to make the viewer realize how pointless and wasteful it all is. If it was glamorized we wouldn't get a clear view into to understanding of the deranged the mind of a killer. Its hard to watch but its so important to the story. His victims are the people who love him the most..unconditionally. And its when he his lovers that it really hits you...the way he has no regard for even those closest to him (he doesn't care to love or be loved...their commitment to him is meaningless) It is sickeningly simple and sad. And the most graphic moments are the moments when you get how fucked up it all is.
In all i have an unexpected appreciation for the movie. For both the sociopathic unabashed violence, and the way Alba portrayed the role of Joyce. Her character draws out and experiences the violent nature of her lover, which in turn allows her to embrace the dark roots within herself. Her deep need for his love is so tragic and twisted yet theirs is an intimacy that develops through shared acceptance for desires that most would find shameful and degrading. For them it is a liberating discovery. Even more intriguing is the moment Joyce unleashes with wild abandon her fierce sexuality while embracing a demure vulnerabiltiy. She is finally able to exude a sexiness that ignites a stoic self confidence and desirable feminimity that every woman longs for. Her true nature as a woman, as a lover is revealed and this man accepts every one of her deep desires.
Her character is one that leaves me obsessed and reeling. Her style and glamour is pure and striking. Her presence and soul...though deepley depressing... is so hauntingly beautiful. In a sense i completely understand Joyce...I've been there and i want to capture this role in my soul and let others be captivated by me in the same way i was captivated by this woman's raw broken beauty.
She is simply a woman desiring to love and be loved. desperate. longing. lost. but hopeful.
The trendiest fad graphic tee of 2005. It came... it stayed... it left as though it never even existed. Attention ladies and gents the bloody reminder of older times has emerged once again... from the back of my closet...dug up in my move to the city. There it sat...next to the pile of goodwill giveaways. The problem being that it was just much too nostalgic to part with... so as the month passed by and more and more items were making it to the donation pile i had to find a use for this piece of history. But try as i might... there is just no way of wearing this shirt in public without looking like a poor fashion mishap. Some may say this one was ALWAYS a faux paux. How though when everyone from the likes of Ashton Kutcher in his punked days..Pamela Anderson in her post plastic mess..the fashion forward..and the preppy hipster highschool kids were all plasrered in this t-shirt. Dressed up or dressed down...this was no mistake. Maybe it was in poor taste to wear this religious symbol as a fashion.
But as i see it... if you love Jesus why not make a statement?
And that statement is one that i still don't wanna bury. In a time when its fashionable to wear rosaries and crosses... let those of us who want to wear them proudly and stylishly wear them as a token of our faith and beliefs. And so as there is no way to even be caught dead wearing this old trend... i have found a new use.. possibly even a better use for this piece of cotton.
And so last night at midnight... i got the creativity up to whip what i needed to together to turn this baby out! Scavenged the house for my white thread... dusted off the sewing machine... found my fabric scissors and my freestyle talent. And the result was this little beauty! OW! Pretty damn hot if i do say so myself. I am satisfied. And i can't wait to get some more DIY projects done and on display.
Needless to say i am very excited... keep coming back for more!
life has taken on quite a new look for me. things have changed. sorry for the long long break from this page. i needed time to reevaluate what is really important in my life. if life as i was living it is actually where i want it to be and if this life is leading me towards where i want to be. i know that THIS IS my life...right now today..everyday. however everyday new events arise and sometimes i find that i am either pulled in a direction i didn't intend to choose or i am pushed back into safety and security...the comfortable. The truth is: time does go by and thats good but at the same time the choices made now are what determines how/where things end up in the future.
time has gone by but its given me time to take in anything that comes my way. i've make some moves and changes, lived through new experiences that have and will hopefully help me live my life with more intent. i am so ready to LIVE MY LIFE PURPOSEFULLY instead of ACCIDENTALLY.
i have moved to my very own apartment in downtown NW Portland. it has the most amazing vintage 1920's feel. 3rd floor with a balcony patio and a view of the bridges and Mount St Helens and the red lighted MONTGOMERY PARK sign. its so cozy. so fashionable. so me. fantastic. only 2 blocks from the oh so trendy NW 23rd Avenue (The Fashion District for portland... more or less a street than a district.. but full of the top vintage shops/local designers boutiques/ trendy upscale shopping/cafes and bars... on of portlands top places to see and be seen) i've been dating my sexy next door neighbor and hangout with him and his roomate in OUR neighborhood. this IS my neighborhood now. besides commuting to the suburbs for work for now this is pretty much the life i have worked toward and have dreamed of as the perfect one for me. i love it...
the problem: is this it? is this all?
i know life is what you make of it. but do i want to make more of what i have here? or is my reality that i wanna make my life something even more than living life in this trendy/sexy/vintage piece of portland?
i dont know. what i do know is that the boyfriend and his roomate moved last monday to california... i have yet to move to a salon in the city... and my bestfriends have chosen some less than amazing paths for their lives which have left them pushing themselves away from me. i feel somewhat lonely and bored... where does this take me? we'll see. for now i am going to actively LIVE this life... looking at it all through a happy positive outlook.
i am excited... only got one life ..gotta make it what you want it
*DISCLAIMER: ALL PHOTOS UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED ARE NOT TAKEN OR OWNED BY ME. THEY ARE USED SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISCUSSION AND COMMENT. THESE IMAGES ARE NOT INTENDED FOR ANY COMMERCIAL PURPOSE*